No Matter Where Or When, Xander Hates Clowns
by Manchester
Summary: Of all American television shows ever made since the first commercial broadcast, TV Guide rated a certain episode to be #1 for all time, and a former Sunnydale native was unintentionally responsible for this.


"Cheap bastard," Xander Harris grumbled to himself as he came out of the pawnshop. After taking a few steps down the sidewalk, the one-eyed man stopped and did a quick adjustment of his pants belt, making it feel more comfortable around his waist. Once he'd smoothed out the gaps where two gold doubloons had previously been sewn inside the leather strip, Xander started walking again in the direction of the bus station.

Glowering around at the seventies-style cars going by on the street and the dated merchandise presented in the store windows, Xander eventually sighed and he tried to look on the bright side. After his latest experience with yet another one of those wacky magic portals which could lead basically _anywhere,_ the New Council troubleshooter might've been dumped in a lot worse places and a lot worse times than merely in an American Midwestern city just forty years ago. Once Xander had figured out the what and when, he'd followed the directives in the New Council Guidebook for specific situations like these.

This meant the man wearing an eyepatch went looking for the nearest pawnshop. Once there, Xander traded in the emergency funds hidden in his belt for enough money to buy a bus ticket to Kentucky and a particular location in that state. It should be easy enough to visit Mammoth Caves National Park and then join one of the regular tours of this world-famous tourist spot. Just as simple should be a discreet parting from the other tour participants and finding the mystical Cavern of the Realities which would send Xander back to his proper time.

No, what really annoyed Xander was the jerk back at the pawnshop. That guy had basically taken advantage of his newest customer, probably because he'd sensed Xander's need for some quick cash. As a result, the shopkeeper paid a bare fraction of what those seventeenth-century gold coins were really worth.

Alas, there'd been no choice in going off to find another pawnshop and someone there willing to offer a much better deal to Xander. The guidebook had been quite explicit about this. In an effort to avoid any likely changes to the timeline, anyone stranded back in the past had to act as quickly as they could in returning home via the Mammoth Caves portal if they were near that dimensional/temporal nexus. Additionally, this must be done as low-key as possible while interacting with as few people as could be managed during everything.

Xander crossly thought that whoever had written the Guidebook had been in love with the conjunction 'as'. However, the danger of somehow altering history was real, so it didn't matter how he felt. Get on the bus, get in the tour, get home, and get a nice, yummy Twinkie to forget how he'd been ripped off-

The sudden sound of loud, cheerful music came from ahead, jerking Xander out of his bad mood. He looked up in surprise at the line of spectators along the intersecting street a couple dozen yards further on. This crowd's backs were turned to Xander while they watched something clearly interesting going on there. Coming up to the line, Xander stopped behind several people and craned his neck to see past them at what was happening.

Out in the street, a parade of some sort was taking place. Judging from all the animals, acrobats, and an actual calliope merrily blasting away, it was a honest-to-goodness old-fashioned circus parade. Despite his previous grouchiness, Xander felt his lips widen in a grin of delight at seeing this, especially when a half-dozen elephants came by. These massive, grey-colored animals plodded down the road in a dignified column, with the ones following their leader holding onto with their trunks the tail of the advance elephant. The last great beast in the column was the biggest of them all, ears the size of tablecloths flapping away at every trudging step.

Xander examined this enormous elephant, which was clearly a fine example of the African species. Continuing to smile while he watched the elephant, Xander then glanced up the street at what might be next in the parade. In an instant, the one-eyed man's formerly happy expression turned into one of actual loathing. Without thinking, Xander growled several times under his breath, and he then whirled around to storm off without looking back. After several more angry strides, Xander ducked into a handy alley which headed right into the direction of the bus station.

Inside the sheltering alley, Xander was unable to see or hear what next occurred, so this New Council troubleshooter unknowingly went off on his journey all the way to Kentucky and then a successful dimensional transition back to his home and the welcoming Scoobies. All of this was accomplished without Xander ever learning about the horrible mishap which took place on that day at a city's circus parade.

During this violent incident (which was reported live on the air by a local Minneapolis television station accompanied by furtive giggles), a rogue elephant which had heard the Primal Hyena's unconsidered nasty comments about just what had been following it then fatally de-shelled Chuckles the Clown dressed up in his Peter Peanut costume.


End file.
